On jologsy-ness

I hate - no, I LOATHE - ABS-CBN for planning to come up with a Filipino version of Twilight.

Grar.

I've always been a Kapamilya pa naman!!!!!

On being confused

I know that what I'm doing is right. This is how it's supposed to be.

But why is it that as if this is all wrong?

Why is it that I am the one feeling bad?

On wishful thinking

A lame attempt at editing. Hahaha. Super obvious na edited. But, what the heck, si Papa Lloydy parin yan.

*Kiligiligiligi*

Malandi ako.

Quote of the Day

I die a little here..

-Bobby Guevara



Emo pala si sir. Hahaha.

On laziness

I have new headshot. Obviously.

A very malandi one, I must add.

Hahaha. Lame post.

On being paranoid

Oo praning ako.

At dahil praning ako, (i.e. feeling ko lagi secret inis or asar or galit yung mga tao sakin), tintatanong ko sila kung inis/asar/galit ba sila sakin.

Tapos naisip ko, baka dahil sa kakatanong ko, maiinis/maaasar/magagalit sila sakin.

So cycle pala ang pagiging praning ko.

Haaay buhayyy.

On why I don't think Twilight was THAT good

May contain spoilers.

Ever since I found out that Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight was being made into a movie, I have started checking fansites regularly about it. I constantly check on any developments or releases there might have been. Wrong move.

1. Because of so many Twilight-related releases – screencaps, behind-the-scenes interviews, video clips – it was not that exciting to watch the movie anymore. I kinda knew already how certain scene are gonna happen and all that.
2. I realized early on that the movie wouldn’t be really good, making me not so disappointed after watching the movie since I didn’t really expect much.

On to the reasons why I didn’t think the movie was THAT good. (These are based on MY OPINIONS only).

1. It kinda seemed serious, like it wasn’t based on a young adult novel of a vampire love story. Case in point, a lot of the funny “scenes” in the movie didn’t get into the movie. Some of the funny “scenes” they tried to retain didn’t come out funny.

2. Although it was good that they inserted scenes of the nomads killing people (making them really a part of the story and not merely an add-on), I found it to be distracting.

3. They did not explain some things in the story (e.g. why Jasper always looks weird around Bella) which was confusing for Twilight virgins ü (those who haven’t read the book yet).

4. The kissing scene did not come out Twilight-y. Sure, it was a nice and romantic kiss but it wasn’t the kiss Edward and Bella had in the book. In the book, the kiss was supposed to be like a long smack (Edward didn’t open his lips because he was being careful of Bella). But in the movie, it looked like it will be leading to something else (if you know what I mean ü).

5. I did not like Kirsten Stewart’s portrayal of Bella.

6. I would’ve wanted to see Bella’s “holey shirt” and sweatpants which she wears to sleep. But instead, they made Bella a pa-sexy girl wearing tank top and sweatpants to bed (very Hollywood-ish). She was even wearing just a shirt and underwear during the kissing scene with Edward! (Isn’t it supposed to be like really cold there since it’s always raining and all?)

7. The narration was awful. Very monotonous. Like somebody died. Like Mike Enriquez minus the galit factor (well, exaj yun but you get what I mean).

8. I didn’t see the chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kirsten Stewart. Sure I got kilig a couple of times but not because of they way they did the scene but because Robert Pattinson handled the scenes pretty well.

9. I found it annoying that they tried to insert the “hands holding an apple” image (aka Twilight book cover) in the movie.

10. I found the way they shot the ending to be anti-climactic.

11. The supposedly really pretty waitress flirting with Edward reminded me of Amy Winehouse.

12. The Biology class seemed weird. It made Bella look like she had a body odor. HAHAHA.

There are still some saving graces.

1. Charlie-Bella relationship was developed in the movie making the running away scene really dramatic. (In the movie, Charlie was not like shy to show his feelings like it was written in the book.)

2. The Cullen Family cooking was just awesome! It gave them more exposure compared to their role in the book. Emmett was funny! (Rosalie: “Does she even like Italian?” Emmett: “Her name is Bella, duh!”). Edward was so embarrassed in this scene, making him even cuter!!!

3. Robert Pattinson is such a good actor. I think he did a good job portraying Edward Cullen.

4. Kirsten Stewart did a good “almost-dying-but-actually-almost-turning-into-a-vampire” acting.

5. Robert Pattinson is sooo HOT! Especially here:

Things I enjoyed while watching the movie.

1. The loud “Woah!” the first time Peter Facinelli (Carlisle Cullen) appeared onscreen.

2. Girls trying to restrain themselves from totally screaming everytime Robert Pattinson was onscreen.

3. Girls sitting on the edge of their seats and leaning forward (as if that would make them any closer to Robert Pattinson HAHAHA).

All in all, I give the movie a 6 out of 10. I know the movie could never be as good as the book. I don’t think that has ever happened to any book turned into a movie. I don’t think it did justice to the book. It was unlike Harry Potter movies which are good on their own despite not being as good as the movie. I also found the movie to be confusing. I feel that it was not romantic enough to be considered a love story. It didn’t feel like a vampire movie (I know it’s not supposed to be a vampire movie naman talaga but I’m trying to make a point here HAHAHA). I did not clearly see the vampire love story that Twilight was supposed to be.

But what the hell, I will probably watch it again. I'm that much of a fan. Hahaha. Who knows, I might like it after watching it a couple of times.

On the Pablo Banila Craze

I just read the Inquirer article about Pablo Banila. I just have to say that I find it weird that people are reacting negatively to his viewing of their Multiply pages.

I have one advice to those people: do not join social networking websites!

The whole point of social networking websites is to allow people to view other people's pages, read up their profile and if they liked what they read, they can send a message to that person. Now, if you don't want people to read your profile, don't write one or if you do, don't make it viewable to people you don't know. Don't make your pictures be seen if you don't want people seeing it or, again, do not make it viewable to everyone.

Which, btw reminds me, I hate it when people post a picture of myself and puts a caption underneath saying "AnG pAnGeT k0h d2..HiHiHi..s0wEe p0hZ". What the hell, if you think it's an ugly picture, don't post it. Wag mag-fish. Baka mabigo ka lang.

Oh and please don't be conceited. Just because one unknown person viewed your site, doesn't mean that that person is stalking you or, at the very least, has a crush on you. Asa ka pa.

This whole thing reminds me of a funny joke texted to me by my friend:
"Hindi nasusukat ang kagandahan........sa dami ng friends mo sa Friendster!"

On being cheesy (Barf Fest Alert)

I just finished reading Breaking Dawn for the nth time. And everytime I finish reading it, it always makes me realize how I think I have my own Edward Cullen (warning: keso). Thanks to IC.

**From here on, it gets cheesier. Barf fest. I swear kahit ako nasusuka. Not because I don't mean the next things I will be writing here. It's just that, I am not really the kind who says these kinds of things, more so put it in wiriting. Hahaha.**

You have been warned.

Well, of course my IC does not have mind-reading abilities. He does not run like really really fast (fast lang hahaha). He is not like megaly strong. He sleeps a whole lot. He eats human food like crazy. And he does not shine in the sun (Awww.). But he still is my Edward Cullen. And I love him. And one day, probably when we have good jobs already (or when he earns his first 1 million pesos, whichever comes first. Hahahaha), we will get married.

Yeap. At 21, I think I'm already engaged. Hahaha. I know. "I'm too young...Don't say things I might regret later..Blah blah blah." But it really feels like it.

Ever since I got into my first serious relationship (with a guy, of course), I realized that, for me, the whole point of the boyfriend-girlfriend phase of a couple's life is to prepare themselves for their marriage. No offense to those people who think that marriage is sooo far into their future. But I really think that getting into a relationship with someone means that you see that that someone is a potential spouse. For me, getting into a relationship means committing yourself to the other person and to the possibility of a future together.

Ok, I digress. I am supposed to write about why IC is my very own Edward Cullen. So anyway, as I was reading the Twilight Saga, I keep seeing IC in Edward.

The first thing I ever liked about IC is how he is soo much of a gentleman. I remember back in first year, he would always accompany me and Karlee going places when he knows it would be just the two of us or either one of us. He would also do things for us even if we didn't ask for it. He was always there when we needed comforting because of Math long tests. Hahaha. As I write all these now, I realize baka he was courting both of us then? Hahahaha.

IC also has a way of making me feel special and beautiful (waaaah I can't believe I'm actually saying this! Hahaha)/ But yeah, he does. He takes good care of me. He tries so hard to understand me and be patient with me despite my bring unreasonable most of the time. He is even willing to sacrifice so much for me (which I hope he really wouldn't. Makes me feel uh, bad? I think). He really makes me feel loved. And for that, I kinda feel bad because I know he loves me more than I love him. I really hope I could love him more. Because he deserves to be given the best kind of love. I just am too selfish to give that to him. I really hope I could try to think of myself less and think of him more.

IC is also the romantic kind of guy. Usually that would be a good thing. But the thing is, I'm not really one who likes romantic things. I mean, sure, I loooove romantic films. I get all kiligiligi over them. But well, if it were done to me, I wouldn't know what to say or how to react. That is probably the reason why I don't like romantic gestures. I mean, I like the fact that he does romantic things for me. It's just that I am not really an expressive person and so I don't think I am able to show proper appreciation. Again, I digress. Anyway, IC is not the type who does a big ass romantoc gesture. He is more of the simple romantic gestures kind of guy. He always tries to make things easy for me. He always makes sure that I am very comfortable and all that bonanza.

IC is also a protective guy. He is sooo protective that whenever I wear shorts or skirts, he covers my legs with his towel or hanky or something. Hahahaha. The same thing happens when I wear shirts with low neckline or shirts which are too short. He always finds a way to cover me up. Hahaha. Sometimes it gets annoying though. But I understand naman the reason why he is such.

Last, and defintely not the least, IC makes me feel secure. He makes me feel really loved. He makes me feel that he really means it when he says that he loves me and he really wants to be with me forever. It's not the kind when guys just say those things to make you happy. It's the kind that you know he really means and you can see in his actions that he really means it. I guess that's why I am very confident when I say that one day we will be married.

Pahabol, IC also has a wonderful family. And, I'm not bragging by saying this, but I think his family likes me too. His brother and sister have become my friends already. His sister is sooo much like a sister to me also. I kinda get along well with his parents also. Oh and I can't wait to be part of their family. Hahahaha.

Anyhoo, that's it.

Barf fest ends here.

Note to self: Never write this kind of things anymore. Hahahah.

On my ISWAK craze

I cannot believe this. I am currently behind in watching Gossip Girl, which I never fail to watch while I spent 4 crazy nights watching It Started With A Kiss (ISWAK) and its sequel They Kiss Again (TKA).

I really got hooked on that romantic comedy series. I swear until now, 2 days after watching the whole thing, I still get kilig. I am super obsessed with the actors, Joe Cheng and Ariel Lin. They have such good chemistry. I really hope they become a couple in real life. Right now, I am watching Behind the Scenes stuff from youtube and I swear I can't stop myself from screaming out of kiligiligiliginess!!!!!


The story is about Xiang Qin (Ariel Lin) who has this huuuge crush on Zhi Shu (Joe Cheng). The problem is that Zhi Shu is a genius, having an IQ of 200, while Xiang Qin is stupid, having an IQ of only 75. Anyway, a tragedy befalls Xiang Qin when her house fell apart due to an earthquake. The good thing is that her father's friends learned about this and offered for them to stay in their house. Apparently, her father's friends were the parents of Zhi Shu. So Xiang Qin and Zhi Shu had to live together under one roof. Xiang Qin still tries to pursue Zhi Shu while Zhi Shu never fails to let her know how irritated he is of her. However, later on, Zhi Shu develops feelings for Xiang Qin. Season 1 ended with the wedding of Zhi Shu and Xiang Qin, wherein it was Zhi Shu wearing the gown and Xiang Qin wearing the tux. Hahahaha.


They Kiss Again starts with the honeymoon of Zhi Shu and Xiang Qin in Guam. TKA was about their married life as well as their life the university. TKA also focused on the stories of the secondary characters in the series. Towards the end, Xiang Qin learns that she has an eye problem that is not curable. This would cause her night blindness to worsen and her eyesight to weaken until she becomes completely blind. This scares her especially since she is suspected to be pregnant. She tries to runaway but in the end, she goes back to Zhi Shu.


The series is really good. It was based on the manga, Itazura Na Kiss. The author died unexpectedly and so the story was left unfinished (the series also had an open ending). But I recently learned that the author's husband is trying to finish it the way he think his wife would have wanted it to end. Oh boy, I wish they will also produce ISWAK 3.

Anyway, Joe Cheng and Ariel Lin will be starring in a new series, Love or Bread, which will be coming out in November. I hope they upload it soon on Crunchyroll or Veoh or Mysoju. Can't wait.


I lalalalalove ArJoe!!!!!!!!! They look sooo good together!!!

I GOT MARRIED LAST FRIDAY!

Hahaha. Well, not really. I recently came from a YFC-A's "Plevsem" last week. Our 3-day long task then was to make someone feel special. IC's angel and my angel decided to connive and planned out a mini-wedding thingy for us complete with flower girls, ring bearers (heart bearers kasi we had an exchange of origami hearts instead of rings), maid of honor (who kept on fixing an imaginary trail while I "walked down the aisle") a best man, an officiating "priest" and a choir singing our song.

Nakakailang super. Everyone's eyes were on us. Hahaha. I think everyone was kiligiligi. Hahaha. Anyway, I really did not know how to react. I sort of cried because I was shy and waaah I really did not know how to react. Hahahaha. It was funny.

Anyway, I looked at the pics that people posted on Multiply. It got me really kilig also. Hahahaha. But still..nakakahiya super. Hahaha.

Just one of the highlights of my Plevsem. :)

On Trying To Be Sexy (insert mocking laugh here)

This is the Creative Shot I picked for my Aegis Yearbook.
It is the best I can do. I really could not pull it off. It is frustrating especially since I had wonderful ideas in my head. Hahaha.

On Being Grumpy

If you are irritated/annoyed/mad at something/someone, don't take it out on other people. Not everyone will be able to understand you.

If you expect to get a serious response, say what you have to say seriously. Kung bastos ka magsalita, huwag ka magtaka kung bastos din ang sagot sa 'yo.

Just because you are more "experienced", just because you have a position does not mean that you can push people around.

Not all things you know are known by other people. Malay ko bang hindi environment-friendly ang tarp. Pagkakaalam ko resusable 'yun eh.

Grrrr.

On memories that seem to fade away

I am scared that the day would come and I will lose the wonderful memories I have made for the past 21 years of my life. Painful memories that made me want to kill myself, that made me want to vut myself off from this world. Memories that made me feel alive. Memories that made me feel loved. Memories that made me believe in the existence of a God. Memories that made me sing and dance like a fool in the presence of this very God. Memories that made me realize how God has always been present in my life.

For some reason, I feel that, slowly, those memories are starting to fade away. That, slowly, memories of those few "God Moments" I have had are fading away. I am scared.

I am scared that when I wake up one day, I will be starting to doubt the things that I believe in. To doubt the very things that keep me whole. That keep me from killing myself. That hold my insane self together.

I pray that that day never comes. My life right now is not perfect. My life is nothing but ordinary.

But I have God.

I have all I ever need.

On hating Vanessa Hudgens

I was watching High School Musical 2: What's what edition a few minutes ago. And I just have to say I truly hate Vanessa Hudgens!

Reason #1: She can't sing.
I'm no expert when it comes to music per se. I cannot distinguish easily the different notes. But I do enjoy music. And Vanessa Hudgens' voice is not enjoyable. It reminds me of a vocalization exercise we once had in the choir I used to be part of. "May ipis na puti, naipit sa pinto, piping pipi. Patay." That is how her voice is. She sounds not just like a cockroach. But a cockroached who got mashed by a door.

Reason #2: She can't dance.
Well, maybe she can. But it looks too awkward. I feel embarrassed for her. She looks like a stick person trying to dance. How did she ever get to be in a movie like HSM?

Reason #3: She is a slut.
I know she apologized for her scandalous pictures which got leaked online. But she is still a slut for doing those photos with the intent of sending it to her then boyfriend. It is just wrong. I know celebrities are just humans as well but because they are seen through all sorts of media, I honestly think they should take the higher road. They should be more careful, more concerned with the way they do things because whatever they do, whatever trouble they get into, it is magnified a hundred times.

Reminisce the greatest love story ever told

Want to be in a love team? How about in a team that loves? Come and join us in our youth camp and discover what it truly means to love and to be loved. Who can better let us know and truly experience love but the only one who ever loved us soo much that He died for us?

Mark the beginning of your love life.

Message to my hair

Dear Hair,

Please grow back na. I want to have my long hair back.

Thank you.



How shallow of me.

Blah Blah Blah

I can't believe I have only one post for the whole of May. Oh well, I guess I was really really busy then.

Anyway, today has been, well, a bit different. Hahaha. I actually spent hours playing a computer game. I have not spent that long playing a computer game since MS-DOS days. Hahaha. Really that long ago. Well, I am not really that much of a fan playing computer games. Last week, my brother got his PSP and I tried playing with it a few times but my character would always die and I'd always be stuck on something and my brother will always have to "save" me. Every now and then, I would decide to play arcade, but no matter how many times I try to "learn" the game, it would always seem that I do not know how to play the game (did that even make sense?). So anyway, I tried playing this game I have been trying to download for soo long already. And I have it in English! Most of my friends have this in Chinese. Well, "had" would be the more correct term since laos na yung game sa kanila. Ever since I had it downloaded, I could not stop playing it. Even though I always lose, I'd still play it. Jologs.

I also attempted to play guitar again. I was never good at it. I feel so frustrated that I can do things but I'm never good at it. I can sing (I took singing lessons before) but I'm not good at it. I can play guitar (I took lessons also before) but I can't play a decent song on it. I can dance (I used to be a cheerdancer) but I never excelled. So anyway, I practiced whatever rusty guitar skills I have for fear that I might have to play guitar during the worship for a YFC thing. So far, I still suck. Good luck to me.

Lastly, I would like to rant about my first sem sched. Can I just say it sucks big time? I only have classes M-W-F. It is sooo annoying that I, a person who loves studying, will only have classes three times a week. And again, can I just add that my classes in those days are from 8:30am-9:00pm.

P.S I have new Gossip Girl book! Yipee for me!

To two different persons

To Person A:
I am not stupid. I am lazy but not stupid. I asked for your help not because I really needed it. I just felt compelled to talk to you more and I was lazy to think of what to do for that school thing of mine that is why I pulled the "help me" thing. Plus, just because you know something I do not, does not make me stupid. Neither does it make you any smarter than me. Ooohh, I thought I was over being secretly annoyed at you, but then you acted like your usual annoying self again. Grrr.

To Person B:
What ever happened? How come you are sooo different? I feel like we are on a different place from where we started and not in a good way. I need you to be the sane one between the two of us. I need you to be the one who is always right between the two of us. I need you to be who you really are. To be the genuinely nice and sincere person that you really are. I need you to say things when you really mean it. I need you to be the person you were back when we were in our freshman year. I know this is all my fault as well. But I need you to be the stronger one between the two of us. But here you are already giving up. Oh well....


To Tin:
Shiyett! Ang emo mo! Patalo! Grrrrr.

A Dream Project

I wanna go back to dancing soooo much!!!!!!!

I will.

I will.

I will.

But when?

Grar. This is soo frustrating.

On regretting

I regret not taking the time to be friends with my blockmates, especially since they are such a friendly bunch. Especially now that I have realized they are the kind of people that I would really enjoy hanging out with. Right now, I am able to hang out with them from time to time but then I feel bad for almost a year's chance to get to know them and be friends with them. I should not have spent my long breaks then being the nerd person that I was studying. Oh well.

I remember during 2nd year 1st sem, Mark welcomed me to the block and invited me to have lunch with them one time. I actually sort of wanted to but I was shy. I did not want to be the "newbie."

But now I regret not having accepting the invitation.

I hope I still have enough time to get to know them and really be close to them just like how they are to each other.

Walalang. Senti. Chossss! Hahahahah

The Two Sides of Me

I want want want 2 collections of books.

Funny, though. that these two collections of books I really really want to have are sooo different.

Book Collection 1: Gossip Girl Series

I have always been fond of Gossip Girl Series even before it became a hit TV series. I remember borrowing and reading about two books back in highschool. Now that it is a TV series, I want it all the more. This time I want my own copies. Hahaha. And I have to hurry since the book cover of the new copies being released have been changed to the actors portraying the characters on the show. (I want original book covers of books and not their movie or TV adaptation characters on the cover. Weird. I know.)

Book Collection 2: Ambeth Ocampo Books

If there is one thing that I am grateful to Ateneo for is the fact that professors here are really people who would make one say "HUWOW!" (well, some of them). Anyway, I am soooooooo glad that I was able to get into the class of Ambeth Ocampo for my Rizal class especially since I consider him the supreme authority when it comes to Rizal. I could write here endlessly how much I lalalalalalove Ambeth Ocampo and the way he teached History but that is not my point here. Maybe on a later post. Anyway, I have always been a fan of Philippine History. Ever since I was a kid, I would always have a fascination on it. It makes me feel proud that I was born to a nation with such rich history as ours. And with the wit, with which Ambeth Ocampo writes, it makes me love Philippine History all the more. He does not put Philippine heroes and Philippine Historical Events up n a pedestal which makes history something relate-able. The way he writes make me feel that there really is a connection between me and our History.

So there, you know what to get me na for my birthday, for Christmas, for the "sad-si-Tin-today-I-have-to-make-her-happy" day, for the "I-am-so-happy-I-will-give-Tin-a-book" day, for the "I-feel-generous-I-wil-give-Tin-a-book-today" day, for everyday. hahahaha.

On Looking For New Phone

As most of my friends probably know, the phone I am using now is a bit "jologsy". Hahaha. I am currently using a Panasonic A100(picture below). It's small and cute and unique but it does not have much features. So I am now contemplating on buying a new one. I don't have much money. I'm hoping I could find one less than P10k.

I am currently eyeing two prospective phones a myPhone T11 and a Sony Ericsson Z610i.

myPhone T11 (http://www.myphone.com.ph/t11.htm)

Pros: touchscreen; 2 stereo speakers; mp3 and mp4 player; handwriting recognition; can be charged using computer/laptop (through usb cable); memory card

Cons: 1.3 megapixel camera only; only 1mb built-in memory

------------

Sony Ericsson Z610i (http://www.sonyericsson.com/cws/products/mobilephones/overview/z610i)

Pros: 16mb built-in memory; 2megapixel camera; clamshell; sleek design

Cons: hindi cool? hahaha

-------------

HELP ME DECIDE!!!

On getting a feel of HEAVEN

Last weekend I attended the 15th International Leaders Conference of YFC in Tagaytay. I went there wanting to get something to hold on to for me to endure my "dry" moments. I wanted to get something to hold on to to put me back on track with regards to my faith.

I had to attend my brother's highschool graduation last Friday so I missed the first day activities of the event. I won't be writing about the whole ILC experience. It was just soooo rich that to write about it will require a really looong post. There really is just so much to say about it. Instead, I will write about my own "God moment" during the event. I will write about that one point in the event that really made me feel I am in the presence of my God.

Saturday night. It was the worship before the second session. It was already so cold there. Even colder than the usual since it just rained during the afternoon then and the ground was still a bit wet. I remember trying so hard to pray and talk to Him then (recently, I have been struggling with my praying). I was trying so hard not to concentrate on my singing (there are times when I am worshipping that I get too conscious if my singing is okay). I was trying to indulge myself in the lyrics of the song we were singing then. I was successful. And I remember reaching to the heavens with both my arms. I remember singing with all my heart as loud as I can, not minding how my singing was. I remember really talking to Him. As my arms were raised worshipping God, singing with full conviction, a cool breeze blew across my face and my body. It was not even just a cool breeze. It was a cold one, a really cold one. But, suprisingly, I enjoyed it. Even if it was brushing against my already shivering hands, it felt nice. It felt comforting.

At that moment, I felt God's presence surrounding me. I felt God speaking to me, letting me know of his presence at that point in time and His presence in my everyday life. I felt God reminding me that even though I choose Him or not, He will always love me. I felt God telling me that He will never leave me. That the "dry" moments in my life are those moments that I have chosen not to see Him.

I wish I could love like God. Unconditional. No ifs, not buts. I want to love others as much as He loves me. I want to love Him as much as He loves me.

On being self-destructive

I tend to be self-destructive at times. I remember being suicidal before.

I once OD-ed on paracetamol. Nothing happened really. Just that I ended up barfing like my entire day's meals. Plus, now, I cant take in paracetamol anymore. It makes me barf.

Plus there has been a couple of times I slashed my wrists.

I really don't know what I get from hurting myself really. At times though it could of felt like I really needed to do those. Like when I am hurting so much emotionally and I feel like a needed it feel it physically for me to be able to really like let it out.

There were times also that I felt like I really wanted to just die.

Today, I am feeling more of the former. I feel so bad. So depressed. So hurt. So stupid. I just wanna not feel this way.

I wanna smoke. Just the thought of it makes me feel a wee bit good. i wanna learn to smoke. For real. It is just to annoying that just when I wanna smoke, I cant find any ciggie here. Damn.

Where's the ciggie when I wanna smokey?

Why do I always hurt the people who love me?

Why??

Why??

Why??

On learning disabilities

Last night I was watching one of my favorite movies on Disney Channel, Tru Confessions. A few years back, when I first watched it, I cried. A few nights ago when I was able to watch again for so long, I cried. Just last night when I watched it again, I cried still. (I am such a crybaby. I know.)

The story was about a girl in her teens who has a twin brother who has a learning disability. He was retarded, to put it bluntly. So anyway, despite the learning disability of her brother, the girl still loved him so much that she normally takes him out to play with him or something. The girl also has dreams of becoming a filmmaker of some sort. So when an opportunity to create her own show came up, she jumped on it. At first she had difficulties regarding the type of show she wanted to present. She wanted to show something related to her brother's learning disability. But then she did not know how to approach it. Initially she made a medical explanation regarding the disability. However, her friends and family commented that not a lot of people would want to watch it. In the end, she made a film that was closer to her heart, as per advised by her mother and her online friend Deedee (who happens to be her mother all along). Her film showed how her brother is to her, how her brother can be sometimes unbearable but most of the time. just plain adorable. The film she made wanted people to know that people with learning disabilities are not supposed to be discriminated against. It is such a struggle for them trying to fit in our "normal" world. And they are trying to (the guy in the movie said, "I don't want to be different anymore...I want to be normal like everyone else.") But then the "normal" world we are living in is not forgiving of them.

It's sad that people are not supportive and understanding of people with learning disability. Oftentimes, they are discriminated against. When they throw tantrums in a public place, they are asked to leave. Even when they are not doing anything, people stare at them as though waiting for them to make a mistake or something.

As I watched the movie, I realized how we all have our certain disabilities. We all have our quirks. We are all imperfect. We make mistakes every now and then. We do not know everything. We cannot do everything. The only reason people with learning disabilities are treated differently is because their disability is more prominent. But then, we share something similar with them. We are imperfect. And we live in an imperfect world.

As I watched the movie, I realized how sometimes it is better to be attuned with our certain "disabilities" because then we are limitless. Then we are not afraid to know. We are not afraid to discover. The fear of rejection from the people around us, the fear of mockery is overcome by our desire to see and to know. Our world becomes so big that we want to explore as much as we could. Things seems newer that we want to know them even more. The world seems to brighter that we would want to embrace it. We find ourselves as small people running around this big world. We find ourselves in need of other people because it is through them that we learn and see things which we do not see initially.

As Socrates once said, "True wisdom is knowing that we do not know." Or something like that. The point is, knowing that there are things we do not know leaves us with so much desire to know even more.

Hahahaha. Sir Soh, additional grade please. Hahahaha.

On Having Shorter 'Do

I once had long hair. During my last two years in highschool, I sported a long hair. Long enough that when I go topless, my boobs would be covered. Hahaha.

But when I entered college, I went through a really painful heartbreak. So I decided to cut my hair a bit short. Not really short like the fashionable bobbed ones. But just about an inch below my shoulders. From then on, my hair has not grown as long as it was before I entered college.

Another reason it has not grown as long is that I am a commuter and I go to school really early that I do not have time to blow dry my hair. Plus I am not that patient to blow dry my hair. Hahaha. And so, my hair has become dry and damaged. Hahaha.

And because I am so tired of having dry and damaged hair, I decided to cut it off. The damaged part at least. And now I am back to having short hair, just like my college freshman days. Oh well, I just hope it grows long enough for my college graduation picture taking.

I'm not really a superficial person. The only thing that bothers me is that having a shorter hair makes me look young. Like really really young.

Hahahah. Walalang. Sharing.

On Not-so-sad Goodbyes and Hopeful Hellos

5:01pm today marked the beginning of my 2-week summer vacation.

Yes! It's finally OVAH! As in O-V-A-H!

Farewell 2nd sem. You have given me nothing but stress. I am soooo glad you are a thing of the past already. Off to better and more enjoyable things in life. I hope.

Goodbye Philosophy of the Human Person. I definitely learned a lot from you although it does not reflect in my grade. Thank you for Marcel for the very long readings. Thank you Ames and Hall for Daodejing which just straightened out the loops of brains all the more. Thank you Ph101 and Ph102 for making my nose bleed everytime. Just everytime. Good bye Sir Soh. Thank you for making Philo a bit manageable for me. Thank you for making your discussions clear and enjoyable as well. You have been one of the best profs I have had so far.

Goodbye Finance. You were a wonderful surprise for me. I never thought I would even do well in you. I really find it weird that I get good grades in you when I do not even understand you while back when I was taking Accounting, I can very well understand the concepts but I did not do well in it. Goodbye Maam Reggie. I know that deep inside, you really are concerned about your students. But uh, your teaching method sucks. Big time. Maybe a little training would not hurt.

Goodbye Photoshop, Premiere and Flash. You are probably the most useful class ever. Stressful but nevertheless useful. It feels sad though that you are the only one who puts the Tech in Comtech (seriously, I have yet to know the person who have enjoyed that stupid 5-unit class). Goodbye my elitist professor. I really have nothing much to say to and about you.

Ah, Opman! GOODBYE OPERATIONS MANAGEMENT CLASS! GOODBYE EVIL D.O.M PROF! You just do not know how extremely dancing-like-a-chicken-high-junping-like-crazy-and-screaming-my-lungs-out happy I am you are over and done with! I think I have said much about you in one of my previous posts. Nothing left to be said.

Goodbye Broadcast Management class. Still dunno if I have learned a lot from you. But I must say, I enjoyed the radio show production. I cannot say the same thing for the television show production though. Goodbye Maam. You are such a diva for always being late for class. We take so much effort also for soming to class that early and we hope that is enough reason for trying to wake up a bit earlier for class.

Goodbye Creativity class. You have been one of, if not, the only class/es that I really enjoyed. Despite the "delights" - which btw, I was not even a wee bit delighted to do - your class has been really a blast. I got to learn more about myself and my friends because of you. Goodbye Sir Randy. Sorry if you find our class disrespectful, but you gotta understand, we it is a 3-hour class, it is almost always just a series of presentations from students. Plus, you are sort of a diva also for not coming to class or coming to class an hour late. You must understand how painful it is for me, rushing from my Finance class at CTC to the far off island of Comm Dept just to be on time for your class and I find a "Class will start at 10:00 today." written on the board. Good luck and God bless in your UNICEF adventure.

After all the craziness and stress gave me, i just hope there is something brighter and better that will welcome my remaining year in school.

Hello summer vacation! You are only 2 weeks long but I do not mind. It is better that way for me. I do not like long vacation because it equates to long idle time.

Hello ILC! I swear I got super kaduper megaly happy a while ago knowing that you are just a week away.

Hello better prayer and spiritual life! I promise I shall work on you.

Hello awful random number! I shall deal with you in another post.

Hello 9-unit summer bonanza! I was able to handle one like you two summers ago. I hope I am able to do the same this sem.

Hello Hillsong! I am soooooo ecstatic that you guys are coming here again! Ultimate Praisefest at Araneta again. Sooo many people worshipping God. Inspiring. Life-changing. Fun. I am definitely not gonna miss this for a lifetime.

On Cussing

Because of the stress tis sem is giving me, I now find myself cussing at every petty mistake I make, at every time something does not go well.

Crazy sem go away!

I do not want to cuss anymore.

Resolution: I shall try saying "Praise the Lord" instead of cussing. :)

Checklist to happiness:
[x] Opman Long Test
[x] Finance Long Test
[ ] Philo Final Oral Exam
[ ] Marketing Communication Presentation
[ ] Flash Project

Lalalalovely Ederlyn

I am soo not over Inday when this one came along. Hahaha.

This is the alleged picture of Ederlyn and her amigas! Hahahaha. Sad to say but Inday is not in the pic. Maybe they aren't in good terms still because of Dodong? Hahaha. Laugh your butts off my friends.

http://gdwn.tabulas.com/2007/09/29/@1481862/

Gotta Lalalalalove Inday

I learned this from my brother.

If you are a fan - like I am - of Inday and her very NOSEBLEED antics and luxurious lifestyle, please check out this site: http://www.blogniinday.com/

Have an Inday-rrific time reading it. Hahahaha

On Being Proud of My Work

As I have mentioned in my previous entry, I will be posting a copy of my Philo reflection paper. The one I did well in. Hahahaha. Really proud of myself. Please forgive my bragging. I promise this will not take on forever. This will just be a "now" thing. Hahaha.

Our paper is about a reading we took up in class. We are suppose to appropriate it to our own life experience I think. Anyway, just read on. :)

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The term creativity, almost always, connotes a relation to the arts. But in essence, it goes beyond the arts. Another common misconception about creativity is that which comes out of nothing. Creativity, by definition, means “to bring into being; cause to exist; make, produce” With this said, to be and become a human person, one must also acknowledge his/her being a creative entity. To be and become a human person, one must realize that he/she has the power to effect change. It was discussed in the article “Philosophical Introduction: Correlative Cosmology – An Interpretive Context,” creativity cannot possibly come from a single entity, much like God and that creativity is, in fact, beyond God. It was mentioned that if the presence of God – where everything is perfect, nothing more or nothing less is needed – there can be no room for spontaneity or novelty, thus reducing all “creative” process to be merely exercises of power. However, I believe otherwise.

I thought, at first, that I was not a creative person because of the misconception I have had of it for so long. It was not until I started taking up my COM14 (Visual Thinking for Communication Managers) class that I have come to understand that I am a creative individual and that this comes from God, who is the inherent creative force. Thus, I believe that my being a creative person is because of the creativity of God, my creator. I believe that it is God who has gifted me with the ability to be creative and being so, I have a responsibility to it. Furthermore, in one of the readings required for my TH131 (Marriage, Family Life and Human Sexuality in a Catholic Perspective) class, it was mentioned that one of the things that God called us to do is to be his co-creators and continue the creative process He has begun.

All these insights, including that ones from Ames and Hall’s article shed light on how I see and understand myself as a human being, as a particular becoming. The way I see it, the significance of one’s life comes from one’s ability to influence others, to effect change, to make a difference. If one is basically just like everyone else, then it would be problematic because his/her loss would not have an impact on other people. His/her presence in the world would not make things any different for the rest of humanity However, in a world where there are six billion people other than oneself, it may also be problematic stand out and really make one’s life affect the rest of the six billion population of the entire world.

Therefore, it must also be mentioned that significance does not only refer to something external. The significance of one’s life may not be measured solely by the magnitude of its influence. If this were true, then a lot of people would have resorted to suicide long ago. Making life significant is primarily making life significant for oneself. I, as a person, have to be knowledgeable and have to understand fully myself, my experiences, my ordeals, my surroundings, on top of making my life significant to other people.

Scott Peck, in his book “The Road Less Traveled,” defines love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. This definition presents to us an understanding of one thing that is two-fold. It is other-oriented in the same way that it goes back to oneself. We do not look for in love what we lack in ourselves. One of the most famous lines – which is probably the sweetest line – in the movie Jerry Maguire is “You complete me.” However, I believe that this should not be the case in approaching love. I believe that we must be able to establish ourselves as individuals first before we enter into a relationship. One must first make sense of things that surround him/her, one must first understand himself/herself before he/she is able to do the same and seek for the same in another person. Two people in love must not be seen as complements of each other. Rather, they should be understood as letting one enter the life of and work along with the other. This sheds light to my being and becoming a human person. Before we become something, we must first be something because creativity does not come out of nothing. There underlies a being, a canvas, upon which creative processes are laid on or drawn on.

Going back to Ames and Hall’s article, making this life significant may be said to be getting the most out of one’s experiences. This gives rise to another question: how does one get the most out of one’s experiences? This, for me, draws a similarity to investing money in a bank, in a corporation or in a particular piece of asset: the more we put in, the more we get in the end. I believe that we are able to make most of our experiences if we also give so much to it. This translates to the way we deal with other people and other things that surround us. If we give only our mind to something, if we try to make sense of things and people surrounding us solely on the basis of logic, then we are limiting ourselves to the whole experience. All persons are given not only the ability to think logically but also to think intuitively. Unfortunately, most of the time, people only use the former. Being in touch with our emotions, with our intuitions provide us a deeper understanding of a particular object. Being sensitive and making use of our senses in trying to understand this whole world which surrounds us gives us a richer experience of it. In the same way, it would also be problematic if we approach the understanding of things surrounding us on the basis of our mere emotions and intuition. This reminds me of a particular event in my life that I went through just about two years ago. I was in a relationship then with someone and because he was my first real boyfriend, I gave him all my time and love. I gave so much of myself, my emotions.. I was enamored by this so-called love for him even at a very young age. Thus, in the end, I was left in so much pain and feeling so stupid for not seeing things logically, not realizing that in order for us to grow in our relationship, we must not forget about our individualities. Looking back at it now, I can say that I was blinded by my love for him that I have failed to see things logically. This sheds light on how we give ourselves in the understanding of the world around us and of ourselves being a part of the world around us. There has to be a particular balance between logical and emotional or intuitive thinking in trying to understand the world that surrounds us and ourselves as being part of the world.

Making this life significant also presupposes that one must acknowledge the polarity of our experiences. More than just this acknowledgement, one must anticipate and be open to this. Thus, in love, even though things are going pretty well between a couple, they must still try and be open to the fact that things could change and that their relationship may not last until forever unless they get married. However, at times, even marriage does not guarantee that relationships would be eternal. This particular understanding does not have to be as serious as marriage. This also applies to the different things we plan. It just goes to show that in dealing with anything, we must be open to possible unexpected events that may come out of it. Everything is not always as we planned. Sometimes it is even the things that are unplanned and/or the things that unexpectedly arise from situations we are in that really enrich our experience.

In essence, the bottom-line of the article is to share with us an approach to understanding our life experiences on two different yet similar and related perspectives. The article points out that aside from understanding things the way it is laid out in front of us, we must also understand things in the context of our being-in-the-world. It also tries to present to us an approach to understanding our being co-creators of the world around us. It leads us to see that we have a lot of givens laid out in front of us and that it is left on our decision on how we make use of the them and how we make sense of them in order to make an impact on ourselves and on others in this lifetime. It is in the way we make sense of the world, and of our experiences, in the way we interact with the rest of the world, that we, as beings, become becomings. Because of our interaction with the world around us, we are constantly made new, we are constantly transforming and we are molded by it in the same way that we mold the reality around us. It is our wei ziran or”self-so-ing” that we are able to establish ourselves as individuals. And it is when we give ourselves to our experiences, when we allow ourselves to be correlated with the world that we become becomings and that we are able to truly say that we have made this life significant for ourselves and for others. It is in our being and becoming human persons that we are able share in the co-creatorship of the world as God has called us to do so.

On Holding on to Hope

I cannot contain my happiness anymore. It is just so much that I am actually taking precious Finance study time to write about it.

After a bazillion years, our Philo prof finally decided to give back our reflection papers. Well, normally I would dread having reflection papers returned, especially Philo papers at that, since I really do not do good. I do not do good in Philo at all. I mean, hands down to my wonderful prof who really does his very best trying to explain all the Philo stuff he is teaching us. He is really good and one will really understand his lectures well. I really appreciate the effort he puts into teaching and how he really is concerned about his students. It's just that I do not like Philo at all. And no matter how much I try to push myself, I just could not like it.

But this blog is not about my Philo class nor my Philo prof. This is about my reflection paper. My Philo reflection paper. The one returned today. The one I half-heartedly rushed from Matteo Balcony to Dela Costa Hall for.

The Philo reflection paper I got a B+ in.

Yes my friend. You read it right. I actually got a B+. I could not believe it either. I had to reread my paper like twice on my way back to Matteo trying to remember what I wrote that made me get that grade.

I wanted to jump.

I wanted to shout.

I wanted to hug each and every person I saw on my way back.

I wanted to just dance, dance, dance away.

But of course that would be sooo embarrassing considering that I was alone. Hahaha.

I am just so glad. I could not believe it. It is sooo mot me. I mean it's Philo. If it were Theo, I'd probably just shove it away. In Theo, you just have do some formula writing and you are good to go. But this is Philo! The one class I am super ENGOT on!

I am hoping this is a start of something new. Or a premonition that my OpMan exam result - btw, I just had my OpMan exam awhile ago - would just be as good. And not a consolation (in case I dis really bad in OpMan).

This just gave me hope. It gave me hope that this sem might not be the worst as I think it is. I still have about a week to make things better. Four more requirements I could give my best to to make this sem better.

This gave me a new perspective. This made me see things in a more positive way. Before this, I was just dreading this entire sem, praying that it would be over already. I thought of this sem as my worst grade-wise. But we will never know until I get my grades. Until then, I still have time to do better and be better. Hahaha.

Anyway, because I am just sooo happy, I will be putting here a copy of my paper. In another entry of course. This is just sooo long already. Hahaha.

On Losing My Sanity and Finding God

I have two upcoming exams just before I go off for Holy Week. Two major major M-A-J-O-R exams. My beloved OpMan (note the sarcasm) and Finance. Plus, I will have to take them on two consecutive nights. I mean, camown!! The last time that happened, I got horrendous grades. SOM Dept has definitely gone crazy.

But...just before I completely lost my sanity trying to memorize and make sense of all the effing formulas for Finance exam (yes, I have left OpMan to be studied the whole of Tuesday), i stumbled upon this really useful and inspiring website.

http://www.internetisseriousbusiness.com/

Comments are very much welcome. Please spread this site to your friends if you enjoyed it much as I did.

While I was enjoying the website, I sort of had a God moment. I swear I really did. I kindov felt that God was talking to me through the sonng. Well at least through the refrain if the song.

Just goes to show how wonderful God really is. I mean, for the longest time, I felt that I have lost it. I felt that our relationship has really gone waaaay below. But just when I needed Him really most, even if I did not really recognize that I needed Him, He just spoke to me. It was a wonderful feeling. It was nice being reminded how He is always there. I just hope I have enough strength to fight off the temptation of not talking to Him, of not including Him in my life.

I miss my God. I hope that after this sem, I really will be able to work on our relationship. It's lonely without Him. I feel like I am merely a biological being walking this earth. not having any meaning. Not having any sense at all.

A Lesson Learned

Today I learned a valuable lesson: Stop before you even get there.

I am kindov an outgoing person. I make jokes a lot. I make jokes about things. I make jokes about people. But always, always, always, when I joke about people, I make sure that people know that I am just joking. I also like making jokes about how a wonderful and beautiful person I am. Hahaha.

But today, I learned the value of knowing when to stop. Case in point, a while ago, I was hanging out with my friends. Some of whom are people I am not really close to. But nevertheless, we share some laughs every now and then. I was joking about a certain person. That certain person knew I was joking only. Everyone else knew I was joking only. But there was this other person who, I think, thought otherwise.

That person said I was being "bitchy" daw. At first, I thought he was joking also since that was the aura then. Everyone was joking. Everyone was laughing. Some other people were making jokes of other people also. So, I just dismissed it as one of the jokes thrown about me. I did not mind it

But then that person said it again. And the second time he said it, it kindov hit me. It kindov felt real. So later during the day, I asked my friends if I were bitchy. One said I was a"dear" and that I shouldn't think I'm bitchy because I'm not daw. Another said that I'm not really. Although I'm not like a goody two shoes, it is not impossible that there are times I might be bitchy. She said it was a possibility.

So there. I learned to know when to stop. Most of the time, jokes are fun. But sometimes, they could also be just too much, So before I get there, I must stop. Before I get to the point where jokes stop being jokes, where damage done cannot be salvaged anymore, I must stop.

On Keeping a Blog and Being a Schizo

I realized I speak better than I write. I mean, I get to express myself better, I get to say things better when I blurt it out. I realized this when I remembered that yesterday, in the course of my changing from school clothes into my house clothes, I was talking to myself about the same topic. I was asking myself why I allow myself this much of stress.

Yes, I do talk to myself. A whole lot actually. I like talking to myself. I get to express myself really well when I talk to myself. I get to understand things better when I talk to myself. What's weird, though, is thatwhen I talk to myself, I don't address myself. I talk as if I have someone listening to me, like a whole other person listening to me.

Ok, I think I just scared myself.

But anyway, my point is, I get to express myself better when I speak. So why am I maintaining a blog then? Why don't I just start keeping my thoughts, my reflections, my realizations in a recorded blog thingy like a podcast? I dunno really. Maybe to help myself to write better. Maybe, somehow, I find joy in writing.

Or it may also be because I am such an inggitera. Hahahaha. I mean that's what started thins whole blog thing for me. haha.

A Window Of Rest

After yet another all-nighter and a series of semi-sleepless nights, I am currently enjoying a window of rest. So I guess that's a YEY right? Hahaha.

Just a while ago I was thinking why I am allowing myself to be stressed out this much. Why on earth did I even choose to study in Ateneo? I'm guessing I would not be pressured and stressed out this much had I chosen to study in other schools. But why Ateneo?

That's when I realized maybe I'm a bit of a masochist. Not the kind who really likes getting hurt. I just realized, I like the stress. I like being pressured. I like driving myself crazy with all the deadlines. I like learning things. I like being in school.

Hahahaha. I think I maybe more of a geek than a semi-masochist. Hahaha.

I hate the feeling of not doing anything productive at all. I hate that I am not working up my brains or body. I feel like becoming "stupider" every time I allow myself to be idle.

And so I fill up my time doing senseless things rather than not doing at all.

That is why at this window of rest that I have for the coming weeks, I have chosen to watch "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?" and to write here instead of catching up on some much needed sleep.

To Elvytan

Hello Elvytan!

Walalang. I just have to say I miss you. Ang mushy eh pero really, I guess among al the people I have been with, super ikaw yung pinaka nakatama sa akin. I have no idea why. Until now, I think about you. Well, not naman the way I used to. But yeah. Thoughts of you still fill my idle moments. I have no idea why. I'm guessing it does not really mean something big or whatever. But you know what, the thig is, I kinda feel bad na you do not miss me at all. It really sounds so pathetic that I want you to miss me. Pero kasi parang, I dunno, we aren't really friends. It kinda hurts also that when I try to text you or communicate with you, you do not seem to care. You just act your normal annoying self. But oh well, things changed.

Walalang. I know naman there is no way you are gonna be able to read this. This is not just another kadramahan. It's just that, this thought pops into my mind every now and then that writing it down might make it stop. I dunno. Hahaha.

To you who is reading this, walalang din. Hahaha.

A new look on the road usually traveled

**Another reflection paper I passed for my Th131 class. I have no idea why but my Th131 papers faired well, at least with my prof. Maybe I have developed a skill for writing? Haha. I don't think so. Maybe I have developed a skill for writing BS (bullsh*t) stuff. Haha. But anyway, I kind of like this paper I wrote. I don't know why. Maybe there is some truth in it? Haha.

**Again , there probably are a lot of typos here and grammar errors. That is because I do not edit my papers. I print them as soon as I am satisfied with the last paragraph I wrote and with the length of the paper I wrote. Haha.

If I were to liken my Th131 journey, I would probably liken it the very thing that Manila is known for: the heavy traffic. Traffic around the metro is a typical scenario in our everyday life. If one gets lucky and does not encounter a really heavy traffic, traveling from any point A to any point B will surely be a breeze. However, if one is unfortunate enough and gets stuck in a major conundrum of heavy traffic, one is likely to get a migraine and the rest of the day will feel like a drag. Although I have mentioned that my Th131 experience may be likened to the described scenario, it is not as bad as it may seem. Going through a heavy traffic will surely bring one down to a major breakdown, but it will also give that particular person a chance to observe the things that are surrounding him/her. He/She may notice that there has been a new billboard put up, or that the fences are newly painted, or that the once attractive pink billboard sign that reads "BAWAL TUMAWID NAKAMAMATAY" has been vandalize, or that the old Siopao Factory on the corner of the street which one used to frequent has been torn down. Indeed, the heavy traffic that may have irritated one or has ruined one's day may turn out to be a day of observations and surprises. My Th131 class has surely done this to me. In just a few months’ time, my perception of Th131 has shifted from being merely an academic requirement to a reflective experience.

On an ordinary school day, my normal route of going to school would include riding a trike from our village to the Amang Rodriguez Avenue. From there I ride a jeepney going to Marcos Highway where I will be riding another jeepney which will take me to Katipunan. If I am in a good mood and I have had a good morning so far, I would likely be walking from Petron Katipunan to Ateneo. However, if I am feeling lazy and sleepy, I would be getting a trike ride to school. Every single school day, I would be following the same route, going along the same roads, sometimes even seeing the same people. But the thing is, these are just a mere passing of things. From this typical everyday experience, I have acted a mere human using my logical and biological functions to go from my house to Ateneo.

This is very much like my realm of experiences I have gone through prior to Th131 class. Prior to this, I already have an experience of love, I have already known of people who have engaged in pre-marital sex, I have had my experiences of being a homosexual and I have had encountered others who are too. Every waking moment of my life, I interact and communicate myself to my family, to my friends, to my God. From time to time, I have also reflected on things and how they have affected my life. In the school where I came from, we also had a Catholic upbringing, hence, I have been able to go to recollections and retreats on a yearly basis. But then, my Th131 experience was a bit more than all these. Although at some points in my life, I am able to reflect on things, these are not the same reflections I have had in my Th131 class.

All these reflections I have had were based on the "breaks" I have encountered in my ordinary routinary life. My reflections on family matters would arise because of certain disagreements and arguments we may have ha during that day. My reflections on love would be based on the breakup that I have just had with my then boyfriend. My reflection on sex would be based on the news that I have received that someone from a younger batch just recently gave birth. My reflections regarding my faith would arise if I prayed so much and worked so much for one thing yet I did not get it. in short, I do not really get to reflect on things as they happen to me. I reflect on things because they are new to me, because they are things I have not heard of or experienced of, because they are things which are not usually part of my routinary, boring life.

My Th131 experience gave me an opportunity to really look at the things which may seem normal to us and reflect on how it affects me. The experience enriched not only my knowledge and understanding of things which pertain to life, love and sexuality but also, it has enriched my insight on things, it has enriched my reflections on things. It has made me understand not only others, but myself as well. Having gained a better understanding of myself, on my being a human person, on my being a Catholic, on my being a child of God, I am realize my worth as a person, my value as a person. Because of such, I am also able to position myself well in relation to others. I am able to gain a foothold in this world we are living in, I am able to use myself, my being as a witness of Christ here to the people I relate with.

Love, marriage, family life, human sexuality are things that are very much present in the world we live in, in the world I was born to. My experience of these things are immediate as these are things that are very much part of our human life. However, my Th131 experience has taken me beyond the materiality of these things. These things happen to people in the everyday course of their lives. We gain knowledge and understanding of these things experientially. But Th131 has taken me to the metaphysical aspect of these things. This class has made me realize and see that in the course of the experiences I undertake in life, I am not alone. In the many relationships - romantic, friendly, familial, etc. - I have involved myself in; I have realized that it is not just me and the other person/s. I have realized that in every action I take, I am always doing it in the presence of God.

This may be a surprising thing for other people. I know that because I, too, was surprised. Though I have always known, as I have always been taught, that God is everywhere and that He is with me always, I never really saw this materialize in the real world we live in. I have always thought that the presence of God is subjective and that the fact that He is always with us is based on the faith that one has in God. I have always thought that when one has such a strong faith in God, then that person will undoubtedly recognize and acknowledge His presence in his/her life. if, however, one has such a weak or even no faith in God, then His presence will not affective to that person and His presence will not be manifested in that person. Through this class, I have seen how the presence of God is not just something that our forefathers have passed on to us so that we will be assured that God loves us but it is something that is concretely real and reflected by the many love relationships that are present in the world, in the many love relationships that we are involved in. I have also seen the magnitude of God's love for us as He has allowed for us to many wonderful things in life.

The one thing that really made me step back, look at things differently and see God's ever-presence was the thought that the most perfect icon of the Trinity may be exemplified by the sexual union of two people. Having spent more than half of my life right now in an all-girls Catholic school run by nuns, the concept of sex was taught to us, except in biology class where the reproductive process was discussed. And being the conservative people that we supposedly are, the topic was never really discussed to us at all. However the world that we are living in now is a "sex-saturated" one. Images of it are just superfluous and inescapable. Anyone who has access to media is likely to have access to sexual images that media portray. Everywhere we look explicit and implicit sexual images may be seen. All sorts of media form have been bombarded with such images and thus, it has become objectified in our society. Most religious people and the older generations are against proliferating the knowledge and understanding of such while the youth are enjoying every bit of it, the image, the thought, even the experience as for others. Having been one of the many others who have such a rich exposure to media and to the sexual images portrayed then and having been brought up in a very conservative way, I have always thought that sex before marriage is bad. That is all I knew about it. Nothing more and nothing less. Well, again with the exception of the misleading images of sex that media portray, that was just about everything I knew regarding sex. But as Th131 has discussed, sex is not really bad at all. In fact it is the "way of expressing and completing the love that God has designed and awakened in us." It is the very image that exemplifies the mystery of the trinity. It is an image by which God has communicated Himself to us. This was a perspective of things I could have never thought of in the ordinary course of my life.

The abundance of things in life, the richness of our experiences, the boundless choices that we have are things which we would never really understand at all without reflecting on them in a more intense way. Things would be merely things, events would be merely events unless we try to really look into them, appreciate their presence and appreciate the fact that we experience these with someone, with God. A light traffic which cuts down the regular time to go from one place to another would be boring. Heavy traffic will likely be a drag and will probably ruin one's day but only if he/she allows it to. In the end, we always have a choice on how we would look at things. Heavy traffic may be seen as irritating and time-consuming and loss of income for some. But one can also choose to see it as an enriching experience to appreciate the world that we live in, to appreciate the life we are living, to appreciate the beauty of God's creation, to appreciate the presence of God in our lives. Unless of course, we are really late for an appointment or for an exam, then heavy traffic will be really such a pain.

15th YFC International Leader's Conference

Typos, typos typos

I hate that there are always typos when I write.


Grar.

Clarification regarding previous post

I would just like to clarify my previous post.

I am not mad at anyone in my org. I have no hard feeling to the people I mentioned in an earlier post. I said those things out of spite. I said those things because at that moment, I felt that way. But in no way does that mean that I feel that way about them as a person.

To the people I meantioned then, I am sorry for hurting you. It is just that at that moment, I was hurt too.

With that said, I would like to say that, yey, I have found a reason to serve my org again. Yes, I found the reason in my K-Pal, Karlee. What she told me during the final household meeting-slash-honoring session just put me back to that point in time when I really longed to serve YFC. I knew from the very beginning when I joined YFC that I want to serve because I believe in its mission to bring back the youth to God. And now I am given a chance to use my talents, my abilities, my very being to help people realize God's presence in our lives, despite the chaos, the pain and the hurt.

I would also like to thank Monica, a fellow YFC member from Central A, for giving me another reason to serve. Well, more like reminding me. She told me, "you serve because you want to give back what He deserves; He died for you and now it is your turn to live for Him."

Very nicely put.