A Dream Project

I wanna go back to dancing soooo much!!!!!!!

I will.

I will.

I will.

But when?

Grar. This is soo frustrating.

On regretting

I regret not taking the time to be friends with my blockmates, especially since they are such a friendly bunch. Especially now that I have realized they are the kind of people that I would really enjoy hanging out with. Right now, I am able to hang out with them from time to time but then I feel bad for almost a year's chance to get to know them and be friends with them. I should not have spent my long breaks then being the nerd person that I was studying. Oh well.

I remember during 2nd year 1st sem, Mark welcomed me to the block and invited me to have lunch with them one time. I actually sort of wanted to but I was shy. I did not want to be the "newbie."

But now I regret not having accepting the invitation.

I hope I still have enough time to get to know them and really be close to them just like how they are to each other.

Walalang. Senti. Chossss! Hahahahah

The Two Sides of Me

I want want want 2 collections of books.

Funny, though. that these two collections of books I really really want to have are sooo different.

Book Collection 1: Gossip Girl Series

I have always been fond of Gossip Girl Series even before it became a hit TV series. I remember borrowing and reading about two books back in highschool. Now that it is a TV series, I want it all the more. This time I want my own copies. Hahaha. And I have to hurry since the book cover of the new copies being released have been changed to the actors portraying the characters on the show. (I want original book covers of books and not their movie or TV adaptation characters on the cover. Weird. I know.)

Book Collection 2: Ambeth Ocampo Books

If there is one thing that I am grateful to Ateneo for is the fact that professors here are really people who would make one say "HUWOW!" (well, some of them). Anyway, I am soooooooo glad that I was able to get into the class of Ambeth Ocampo for my Rizal class especially since I consider him the supreme authority when it comes to Rizal. I could write here endlessly how much I lalalalalalove Ambeth Ocampo and the way he teached History but that is not my point here. Maybe on a later post. Anyway, I have always been a fan of Philippine History. Ever since I was a kid, I would always have a fascination on it. It makes me feel proud that I was born to a nation with such rich history as ours. And with the wit, with which Ambeth Ocampo writes, it makes me love Philippine History all the more. He does not put Philippine heroes and Philippine Historical Events up n a pedestal which makes history something relate-able. The way he writes make me feel that there really is a connection between me and our History.

So there, you know what to get me na for my birthday, for Christmas, for the "sad-si-Tin-today-I-have-to-make-her-happy" day, for the "I-am-so-happy-I-will-give-Tin-a-book" day, for the "I-feel-generous-I-wil-give-Tin-a-book-today" day, for everyday. hahahaha.

On Looking For New Phone

As most of my friends probably know, the phone I am using now is a bit "jologsy". Hahaha. I am currently using a Panasonic A100(picture below). It's small and cute and unique but it does not have much features. So I am now contemplating on buying a new one. I don't have much money. I'm hoping I could find one less than P10k.

I am currently eyeing two prospective phones a myPhone T11 and a Sony Ericsson Z610i.

myPhone T11 (http://www.myphone.com.ph/t11.htm)

Pros: touchscreen; 2 stereo speakers; mp3 and mp4 player; handwriting recognition; can be charged using computer/laptop (through usb cable); memory card

Cons: 1.3 megapixel camera only; only 1mb built-in memory

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Sony Ericsson Z610i (http://www.sonyericsson.com/cws/products/mobilephones/overview/z610i)

Pros: 16mb built-in memory; 2megapixel camera; clamshell; sleek design

Cons: hindi cool? hahaha

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HELP ME DECIDE!!!

On getting a feel of HEAVEN

Last weekend I attended the 15th International Leaders Conference of YFC in Tagaytay. I went there wanting to get something to hold on to for me to endure my "dry" moments. I wanted to get something to hold on to to put me back on track with regards to my faith.

I had to attend my brother's highschool graduation last Friday so I missed the first day activities of the event. I won't be writing about the whole ILC experience. It was just soooo rich that to write about it will require a really looong post. There really is just so much to say about it. Instead, I will write about my own "God moment" during the event. I will write about that one point in the event that really made me feel I am in the presence of my God.

Saturday night. It was the worship before the second session. It was already so cold there. Even colder than the usual since it just rained during the afternoon then and the ground was still a bit wet. I remember trying so hard to pray and talk to Him then (recently, I have been struggling with my praying). I was trying so hard not to concentrate on my singing (there are times when I am worshipping that I get too conscious if my singing is okay). I was trying to indulge myself in the lyrics of the song we were singing then. I was successful. And I remember reaching to the heavens with both my arms. I remember singing with all my heart as loud as I can, not minding how my singing was. I remember really talking to Him. As my arms were raised worshipping God, singing with full conviction, a cool breeze blew across my face and my body. It was not even just a cool breeze. It was a cold one, a really cold one. But, suprisingly, I enjoyed it. Even if it was brushing against my already shivering hands, it felt nice. It felt comforting.

At that moment, I felt God's presence surrounding me. I felt God speaking to me, letting me know of his presence at that point in time and His presence in my everyday life. I felt God reminding me that even though I choose Him or not, He will always love me. I felt God telling me that He will never leave me. That the "dry" moments in my life are those moments that I have chosen not to see Him.

I wish I could love like God. Unconditional. No ifs, not buts. I want to love others as much as He loves me. I want to love Him as much as He loves me.

On being self-destructive

I tend to be self-destructive at times. I remember being suicidal before.

I once OD-ed on paracetamol. Nothing happened really. Just that I ended up barfing like my entire day's meals. Plus, now, I cant take in paracetamol anymore. It makes me barf.

Plus there has been a couple of times I slashed my wrists.

I really don't know what I get from hurting myself really. At times though it could of felt like I really needed to do those. Like when I am hurting so much emotionally and I feel like a needed it feel it physically for me to be able to really like let it out.

There were times also that I felt like I really wanted to just die.

Today, I am feeling more of the former. I feel so bad. So depressed. So hurt. So stupid. I just wanna not feel this way.

I wanna smoke. Just the thought of it makes me feel a wee bit good. i wanna learn to smoke. For real. It is just to annoying that just when I wanna smoke, I cant find any ciggie here. Damn.

Where's the ciggie when I wanna smokey?

Why do I always hurt the people who love me?

Why??

Why??

Why??

On learning disabilities

Last night I was watching one of my favorite movies on Disney Channel, Tru Confessions. A few years back, when I first watched it, I cried. A few nights ago when I was able to watch again for so long, I cried. Just last night when I watched it again, I cried still. (I am such a crybaby. I know.)

The story was about a girl in her teens who has a twin brother who has a learning disability. He was retarded, to put it bluntly. So anyway, despite the learning disability of her brother, the girl still loved him so much that she normally takes him out to play with him or something. The girl also has dreams of becoming a filmmaker of some sort. So when an opportunity to create her own show came up, she jumped on it. At first she had difficulties regarding the type of show she wanted to present. She wanted to show something related to her brother's learning disability. But then she did not know how to approach it. Initially she made a medical explanation regarding the disability. However, her friends and family commented that not a lot of people would want to watch it. In the end, she made a film that was closer to her heart, as per advised by her mother and her online friend Deedee (who happens to be her mother all along). Her film showed how her brother is to her, how her brother can be sometimes unbearable but most of the time. just plain adorable. The film she made wanted people to know that people with learning disabilities are not supposed to be discriminated against. It is such a struggle for them trying to fit in our "normal" world. And they are trying to (the guy in the movie said, "I don't want to be different anymore...I want to be normal like everyone else.") But then the "normal" world we are living in is not forgiving of them.

It's sad that people are not supportive and understanding of people with learning disability. Oftentimes, they are discriminated against. When they throw tantrums in a public place, they are asked to leave. Even when they are not doing anything, people stare at them as though waiting for them to make a mistake or something.

As I watched the movie, I realized how we all have our certain disabilities. We all have our quirks. We are all imperfect. We make mistakes every now and then. We do not know everything. We cannot do everything. The only reason people with learning disabilities are treated differently is because their disability is more prominent. But then, we share something similar with them. We are imperfect. And we live in an imperfect world.

As I watched the movie, I realized how sometimes it is better to be attuned with our certain "disabilities" because then we are limitless. Then we are not afraid to know. We are not afraid to discover. The fear of rejection from the people around us, the fear of mockery is overcome by our desire to see and to know. Our world becomes so big that we want to explore as much as we could. Things seems newer that we want to know them even more. The world seems to brighter that we would want to embrace it. We find ourselves as small people running around this big world. We find ourselves in need of other people because it is through them that we learn and see things which we do not see initially.

As Socrates once said, "True wisdom is knowing that we do not know." Or something like that. The point is, knowing that there are things we do not know leaves us with so much desire to know even more.

Hahahaha. Sir Soh, additional grade please. Hahahaha.