15th YFC International Leader's Conference

Typos, typos typos

I hate that there are always typos when I write.


Grar.

Clarification regarding previous post

I would just like to clarify my previous post.

I am not mad at anyone in my org. I have no hard feeling to the people I mentioned in an earlier post. I said those things out of spite. I said those things because at that moment, I felt that way. But in no way does that mean that I feel that way about them as a person.

To the people I meantioned then, I am sorry for hurting you. It is just that at that moment, I was hurt too.

With that said, I would like to say that, yey, I have found a reason to serve my org again. Yes, I found the reason in my K-Pal, Karlee. What she told me during the final household meeting-slash-honoring session just put me back to that point in time when I really longed to serve YFC. I knew from the very beginning when I joined YFC that I want to serve because I believe in its mission to bring back the youth to God. And now I am given a chance to use my talents, my abilities, my very being to help people realize God's presence in our lives, despite the chaos, the pain and the hurt.

I would also like to thank Monica, a fellow YFC member from Central A, for giving me another reason to serve. Well, more like reminding me. She told me, "you serve because you want to give back what He deserves; He died for you and now it is your turn to live for Him."

Very nicely put.

On Being Bisexual

**Reflection paper for Ma'am Cancio's Th131 class (3rd year, 1st sem)

Back in my freshman year in college, when playing cards was a popular pastime, I decided to play cards with some people from my course. We played “pusoy dos” and just for the fun of it, we added a little extra. We had a rule that whoever loses has to honestly answer a question posted by another player in the game. Despite the fact that I was a newbie in playing cards, I reluctantly agreed to play with them since I had a whole hour free until my next class. So we played and as expected, I lost the first round. And this really Boy Abunda-ish guy friend asked the question about a topic which is really popular among college freshmen students, love. His question goes, “Ilan na ang ex mo?” Coming from an all-girl school, I have to admit that I have had some relationships with girls. In fact, most of the relationships I have been in were with girls. As I was about to enter a co-educational environment in college, I said to myself that if ever this topic arises, despite the chance that other people may seem me differently, I will openly admit that “Yes, I have had girlfriends back in my old school.” and so this was what I did when my friend asked me how many exes I have. Instead of giving him a number, I answered him with the question, “Boy or girl?”
Instead of carrying on with the game, he sat beside me and asked “So you had girlfriends. Do you think you loved those girls?” I did not really know what to answer to this was. I did not know if I really loved the girls I had relationship with. Of course, at the time I was involved with them, I had told them I loved them. I knew I loved them. But when asked about it, I suddenly felt unsure. While I was involved with those girls back in my old school, I really felt that having the girl-to-girl relationship we had was not wrong. But the way I was asked by my college friend then suddenly made me feel that having a relationship with another girl is wrong.
I am part of youth group known as Youth for Christ. In one of the conferences we had, there was a speaker who talked about the new campaign being launched, the “100% Pure.” The speaker was so compelling in stressing out the points of the campaign which aims to help fight the struggles of addiction and acts of sin among the youth. The campaign touches on issues like pre-marital sex, masturbation, pornography, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and homosexuality. To all of these, to the people who were engaging in this, she kept saying, “Sablay ka!” Throughout the talk she gave, I kept saying to myself that it is a good thing that this campaign has been launched. That was until she mentioned the thing about homosexuality.
Although the youth group I am actively part of is against homosexuality, although my old school strictly prohibits girl-to-girl sexuality, I have always been open to this. I guess the fact that I have a gay brother helps a lot. I know of quite a number of gay people, both boys and girls, and I have always thought that being one does not make them less of a person. Being gay does not mean they are not capable of love. Being gay does not mean that they love God less. In fact, a lot of these gay people have really strong faith in God. They are more efficient when it comes to doing things. They make the most of what they have. They are even sometimes better than straight people. For example, in an all-boys school, they gay ones are usually the ones who make the classroom nice and clean. They are the ones who lead the class productions. They are the ones who get things done in group works. They are the ones who get their homeworks done and from whom some of the straight guys copy.
Currently, I have chosen a lifestyle of not being gay. In fact, I am in a relationship with a guy right now. Having been able to experience both worlds, I can say that there is not much difference only that right now, I can see a definite future for both of us. Back in my relationships with girls, we only see things in the “now” aspect. We cannot look into the future, into what future may bring our relationship. And now I see relationships have more meaning. Of course, this may also be because I am more mature now than I was back in those girl-to-girl relationships that I have had. And so my point here is that, yes, I accept the fact that there are gay people. I accept the fact that they, too, enter relationships. I accept the reality that there is a “pink community.” I accept gay people and I realize that they still are human despite their sexuality. Hence, I have nothing against being homosexual; however, I have so much in favor of not being one. I have everything for not being one. I believe that although the Church accepts the reality of homosexuality, one cans still choose to not be one as I have done. It will be hard – I admit that sometimes I still look at girls in a different way (the way a guy does) – but it will be all worth it. Sharing the love with a guy is so much different than sharing it with a girl. In my experience, being with a guy gives that safe feeling, a kind of feeling that makes me feel stronger as a person, as a lady. The very nature of men, being physically and emotionally strong, make me feel that there really is someone who will protect me and someone who will be strong enough to help me get through my weak points in life. It is in this difference in nature that makes loving and being loved by guys different and more meaningful. It is in the relationship I have shared with guys that I have seen God, that I have seen how God loves me. It is in the loving relationship I have right now with my boyfriend that I see how God is crazy for loving me despite all my imperfections. It is in the maleness of my boyfriend and my femaleness that I am able to essence of God’s love and his plan for us.

This is me ranting. Opman is HELL

I hate OpMan!

I hate the subject. I hate the prof.

Opman for me is a far off aspect of management that I am not ikely to end up in. It is very technical for me and I just do not find joy in studying it and even looking at how it is practiced in the "real" world.

Plus, more than anything else, my prof has done a great job in making me loathe Opman all the more.

When the semestral evaluation of profs comes around, I shall never forget to write the following:

1. Instructor returns graded work in reasonable time = 1 (Never)
2. What I like best in the course/instructor: Open notes exams
3. What I like least in the course/instructor:
*professor is judgmental (i.e always assumes that we do not listen, that we do not do our homeworks, etc.)
*professor has inaudible voice (that is why he thinks we do not do homeworks. because we dont hear him when he asks for someone to answer homework on the board)
*professor humiliates students in class (i.e if students are not able to answer correctly, he emphasizes the mistake of the student and easily dismisses that the student is not listening when, in fact, his question was not clear to begin with)
*professor is not helpful when consulted regarding the sem-long paper
*professor did not return previous submissions with corrections; gave it less than a week before the submission of the final paper leaving the students without ample time to revise the paper to be able to come up with sound recommendations



~more to come maybe

On Disrespecting Others

Today I kinda lost interest in serving my org.

First, the president under which I will be serving thinks that the committee I previously headed was "madali lang" which is just one of the stupidest things ever. Well, it was easy for him to say that because the person he asked is the Office of Student Affairs lady. It is like asking a professional ballerina if ballet were easy. When I heard about it, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. The first thing that came to my mind when I heard about it is that our committee is basically useless. The tasks it entails are "madali lang" that anyine can do it. It made me feel like our committee was useless and it made me hate him as a leader. It made me think that he does not see the value of what we are doing. However, he kinda has a point for saying so. Preparing for an org's reaccreditation was easy on our committee this year especially since we were not the ones who prepared it. I did not even realize that accreditation was going on. It came on as an insult to me that I got the easiest part for the Year End Survey report when I am suposed to be one of the people who handles it.

Second reason why I lost interest serving my org is realted to the upcoming Sanggu Elections. A lot of my orgmates just recently graduated from ASLA and so they were all voting for and are in support of the independent candidate who is the president of ASLA. Earlier today they were campaigning for their candidate and it was nothing to me since it was campaign period. But then what really pissed me is when they told me to vote for their candidate and I said I was voting for this other candidate. And the former president of our org said "iboboto mo yung bading na yun?" And I said I like him and he said something like me liking my candidate just because I have a crush on him. And i said I know him and turned away. Is that all he can say about my candidate? That my candidate is gay? He does not even know if that is true! He was so rude and disrespectful. I mean, come on, I also have something against their candidate. Something petty that does not even form a sound basis for voting against him. I think their candidate is mayabang. I have not spoken to him like really well but he comes off to me as mayabang. But I do not campaign against just because I he has a certain aura of being mayabang. I keep my thoughts to myself or to anyone willing to speak to me about it. I just found it so rude and disrespectful. How different are we to the current political situation of the country where politicians and politician wannabes are bashing each other and airing out each other's dirty laundry?

The Sanggu right now seriously needs to reform and this is how we prepared the Sanggu in its reform? I am not bashing their candidate. I have heard nice things about him. But since I am not doing so, I just hope that they do not bash my candidate. Campaign all you want and flood my wmail all you want with your candidate's platform. But please do not play dirty. I know that I dont.

On a semi lighter note, I miss the president of my org when I was in freshman year. He was all that our org stood for. He was the leader that we needed. He was the example we needed. After his term, things seemed to me as chaotic. The spirituality our org brings is probably still the same, a bit tamer but still has not lost focus. But the way the org is structured, the was the functional aspect of the org is done seemed to me as chaotic. I just wish someone like him would step up the leadership trail. I hope that someone willing to give up his/her vices and wrong habits for the integrity of the org rises up again.

God Probably Hates Me

I spent my entire day yesterday trying to finish our group's CS project. Fell asleep at around 5:00am and woke up 8:30am, making me miss 3 1/2 precious hours of video editing. I am sooo annoyed at my brother for not waking me up when I told him to.

Anyway, 8:30am, I went on to continue editing our project with our computer hanging like every 15mins or so and me having to wait for around 5mins to get back to working. I finished at about 1:30pm giving me enough time to convert it to video file and burn it on a cd -- or so I think.

The next series of events almost lead me to slashing my wrists again if my boyfriend were not there to prevent me from doing so and to try to console me. I could not convert it to video file. When I tried to convert it, the Premiere window closes itself. One time, I thought it was gonna be okay since minutes has passed and it is still converting. I tried to wait patiently. But when my target time to submit the project is at 4:30pm and the computer says "Estimated time left: 1:40:38" it makes me want to kill myself. Especially when after 50mins of "waiting patiently," Premiere suddenly closes itself again.

Then I realized God probably hates me. He hates me so much that He does not help me when I needed it most. I know there are a lot of more serious problems in the world today and that what I am dealing with is petty compared to those but I dont think He is still supposed to turn a deaf ear on me. I tried praying and seeking His help but He did not respond at all. I think He hates me enough to sacrifice 5 other people (my groupmates) and their grades just to show how much He is mad at me. And then I realized maybe He did so just so more people can hate me. I know I have my share of shortcomings and that, recently, something I went into something real bad. But still, I dont think other people should be paying for it as well.

This CS project is probably one of the most painful and faith shattering project I have done so far. Yesterday was probably one of the lowest, if not the lowest, point in my spiritual life. I hope I get over it.

I am sorry for my CS groupmates whose grades have to suffer just because of me. I completely understand if you guys start hating me.

Grar.

First Blog

First blog. Haha. Don't really know what to put here. It's just that recently, I have been reading other people's blogs so I thought of making myself one, even though I don't really write. Even though I don't even like to write. Haha. That's crazy. I'm crazy. Haha.

Oh and those blogs I got to read were all artsy fartsy nice too. Maybe I'll do that one of these days. Maybe. Haha. But it loks cool and fun so I maybe I'll try it. Maybe. Haha.