God Probably Hates Me

I spent my entire day yesterday trying to finish our group's CS project. Fell asleep at around 5:00am and woke up 8:30am, making me miss 3 1/2 precious hours of video editing. I am sooo annoyed at my brother for not waking me up when I told him to.

Anyway, 8:30am, I went on to continue editing our project with our computer hanging like every 15mins or so and me having to wait for around 5mins to get back to working. I finished at about 1:30pm giving me enough time to convert it to video file and burn it on a cd -- or so I think.

The next series of events almost lead me to slashing my wrists again if my boyfriend were not there to prevent me from doing so and to try to console me. I could not convert it to video file. When I tried to convert it, the Premiere window closes itself. One time, I thought it was gonna be okay since minutes has passed and it is still converting. I tried to wait patiently. But when my target time to submit the project is at 4:30pm and the computer says "Estimated time left: 1:40:38" it makes me want to kill myself. Especially when after 50mins of "waiting patiently," Premiere suddenly closes itself again.

Then I realized God probably hates me. He hates me so much that He does not help me when I needed it most. I know there are a lot of more serious problems in the world today and that what I am dealing with is petty compared to those but I dont think He is still supposed to turn a deaf ear on me. I tried praying and seeking His help but He did not respond at all. I think He hates me enough to sacrifice 5 other people (my groupmates) and their grades just to show how much He is mad at me. And then I realized maybe He did so just so more people can hate me. I know I have my share of shortcomings and that, recently, something I went into something real bad. But still, I dont think other people should be paying for it as well.

This CS project is probably one of the most painful and faith shattering project I have done so far. Yesterday was probably one of the lowest, if not the lowest, point in my spiritual life. I hope I get over it.

I am sorry for my CS groupmates whose grades have to suffer just because of me. I completely understand if you guys start hating me.

Grar.