On Being Bisexual

**Reflection paper for Ma'am Cancio's Th131 class (3rd year, 1st sem)

Back in my freshman year in college, when playing cards was a popular pastime, I decided to play cards with some people from my course. We played “pusoy dos” and just for the fun of it, we added a little extra. We had a rule that whoever loses has to honestly answer a question posted by another player in the game. Despite the fact that I was a newbie in playing cards, I reluctantly agreed to play with them since I had a whole hour free until my next class. So we played and as expected, I lost the first round. And this really Boy Abunda-ish guy friend asked the question about a topic which is really popular among college freshmen students, love. His question goes, “Ilan na ang ex mo?” Coming from an all-girl school, I have to admit that I have had some relationships with girls. In fact, most of the relationships I have been in were with girls. As I was about to enter a co-educational environment in college, I said to myself that if ever this topic arises, despite the chance that other people may seem me differently, I will openly admit that “Yes, I have had girlfriends back in my old school.” and so this was what I did when my friend asked me how many exes I have. Instead of giving him a number, I answered him with the question, “Boy or girl?”
Instead of carrying on with the game, he sat beside me and asked “So you had girlfriends. Do you think you loved those girls?” I did not really know what to answer to this was. I did not know if I really loved the girls I had relationship with. Of course, at the time I was involved with them, I had told them I loved them. I knew I loved them. But when asked about it, I suddenly felt unsure. While I was involved with those girls back in my old school, I really felt that having the girl-to-girl relationship we had was not wrong. But the way I was asked by my college friend then suddenly made me feel that having a relationship with another girl is wrong.
I am part of youth group known as Youth for Christ. In one of the conferences we had, there was a speaker who talked about the new campaign being launched, the “100% Pure.” The speaker was so compelling in stressing out the points of the campaign which aims to help fight the struggles of addiction and acts of sin among the youth. The campaign touches on issues like pre-marital sex, masturbation, pornography, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and homosexuality. To all of these, to the people who were engaging in this, she kept saying, “Sablay ka!” Throughout the talk she gave, I kept saying to myself that it is a good thing that this campaign has been launched. That was until she mentioned the thing about homosexuality.
Although the youth group I am actively part of is against homosexuality, although my old school strictly prohibits girl-to-girl sexuality, I have always been open to this. I guess the fact that I have a gay brother helps a lot. I know of quite a number of gay people, both boys and girls, and I have always thought that being one does not make them less of a person. Being gay does not mean they are not capable of love. Being gay does not mean that they love God less. In fact, a lot of these gay people have really strong faith in God. They are more efficient when it comes to doing things. They make the most of what they have. They are even sometimes better than straight people. For example, in an all-boys school, they gay ones are usually the ones who make the classroom nice and clean. They are the ones who lead the class productions. They are the ones who get things done in group works. They are the ones who get their homeworks done and from whom some of the straight guys copy.
Currently, I have chosen a lifestyle of not being gay. In fact, I am in a relationship with a guy right now. Having been able to experience both worlds, I can say that there is not much difference only that right now, I can see a definite future for both of us. Back in my relationships with girls, we only see things in the “now” aspect. We cannot look into the future, into what future may bring our relationship. And now I see relationships have more meaning. Of course, this may also be because I am more mature now than I was back in those girl-to-girl relationships that I have had. And so my point here is that, yes, I accept the fact that there are gay people. I accept the fact that they, too, enter relationships. I accept the reality that there is a “pink community.” I accept gay people and I realize that they still are human despite their sexuality. Hence, I have nothing against being homosexual; however, I have so much in favor of not being one. I have everything for not being one. I believe that although the Church accepts the reality of homosexuality, one cans still choose to not be one as I have done. It will be hard – I admit that sometimes I still look at girls in a different way (the way a guy does) – but it will be all worth it. Sharing the love with a guy is so much different than sharing it with a girl. In my experience, being with a guy gives that safe feeling, a kind of feeling that makes me feel stronger as a person, as a lady. The very nature of men, being physically and emotionally strong, make me feel that there really is someone who will protect me and someone who will be strong enough to help me get through my weak points in life. It is in this difference in nature that makes loving and being loved by guys different and more meaningful. It is in the relationship I have shared with guys that I have seen God, that I have seen how God loves me. It is in the loving relationship I have right now with my boyfriend that I see how God is crazy for loving me despite all my imperfections. It is in the maleness of my boyfriend and my femaleness that I am able to essence of God’s love and his plan for us.