On being self-destructive

I tend to be self-destructive at times. I remember being suicidal before.

I once OD-ed on paracetamol. Nothing happened really. Just that I ended up barfing like my entire day's meals. Plus, now, I cant take in paracetamol anymore. It makes me barf.

Plus there has been a couple of times I slashed my wrists.

I really don't know what I get from hurting myself really. At times though it could of felt like I really needed to do those. Like when I am hurting so much emotionally and I feel like a needed it feel it physically for me to be able to really like let it out.

There were times also that I felt like I really wanted to just die.

Today, I am feeling more of the former. I feel so bad. So depressed. So hurt. So stupid. I just wanna not feel this way.

I wanna smoke. Just the thought of it makes me feel a wee bit good. i wanna learn to smoke. For real. It is just to annoying that just when I wanna smoke, I cant find any ciggie here. Damn.

Where's the ciggie when I wanna smokey?